


Don't Piss Off the Healer

by shivadyne



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, M/M, MMORPGs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-20
Updated: 2015-05-20
Packaged: 2018-03-18 17:53:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3578550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shivadyne/pseuds/shivadyne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No, seriously, he's already a ball of barely-contained rage. Dave can totally vouch for that.</p><p>(Abandoned.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shitty Roommates

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first time writing karkat and dave in fic format so i'm kind of nervous about how it turned out. i'm not sure if ill continue this at all, but this is what i started writing a while ago and i decided to upload it now. it wont be much in terms of plot, if it has any at all, and most of the chapters will probably be short. also gamzee's not really in this much, but he was in it enough so it's not really a mention. also the setting here is like a mixture between troll shit and human shit.

Karkat entered his respiteblock, middle finger held up behind his back as he shouted a curse at his roommate. Gamzee chuckled and continued to drink his Faygo, eyes trained on the television. 

He kicked the door shut behind him and hunkered down in front of his husktop, opening the bag of chips he had snatched from the kitchen. He resumed his game, wondering whether he should work on his alt account soon.

[carcinoGeneticist is Online]

[22:19] turntechGodhead: hey karkat

[22:23] carcinoGeneticist: WHAT DO YOU WANT? I'M BUSY TRYING TO GRIND FOR MONEY RIGHT NOW, YOU INSUFFERABLE, NOOKWHIFFING SHITSTAIN.

[22:24] turntechGodhead: wow chill out man i just wanted to know if you wanted to hit up the dungeons with me later

[22:25] turntechGodhead: ill help you out with cash if you need some ive been on break so ive had tons of time to play

[22:27] carcinoGeneticist: OH. THANKS, DAVE. 

[22:29] carcinoGeneticist: DO YOU WANT TO DO A QUEST OR JUST AIMLESSLY WANDER AROUND THE DUNGEONS WHILE WE SCRATCH AT OUR NUGBONES AND SNIFF OUR OWN FUCKING NOOKS?

[22:30] turntechGodhead: wow are you okay you seem grumpier than usual for some reason

[22:30] turntechGodhead: and youre usually like the epitome of rage bro

[22:31] turntechGodhead: i could come up with some sick beats to make you feel better

[22:32] carcinoGeneticist: UGH. NO. KEEP YOUR SHITTY FUCKING RAPS TO YOURSELF, STRIDER. I'M FINE.

[22:33] turntechGodhead: you sure

[22:34] carcinoGeneticist: YES, YOU BULGEHUMPING PRICK, I ALREADY SAID I WAS. I'M JUST TIRED. 

[22:35] carcinoGeneticist: I DIDN'T GET MUCH SLEEP BECAUSE THE TAINT-CHAFING GRUBFUCK THAT IS MY ROOMMATE HAD THE IDEA OF MAKING A HORNPILE RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR TO MY RESPITEBLOCK.

[22:36] carcinoGeneticist: IT WAS 3 FUCKING AM.

[22:36] turntechGodhead: why?????

[22:37] turntechGodhead: your roommates fucking weird i bet he started rapping about miracles and the glories of a fake, bullshit religion while he tossed his horns at your door in a pitiful attempt at a glorious fortress of horns

[22:38] carcinoGeneticist: I DON'T KNOW WHY. HE'S A FUCKING ASSHOLE. 

[22:39] carcinoGeneticist: ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE A SNEAKY REFERENCE TO THOSE STRANGE PILLOW STRUCTURES JOHN MENTIONED IN OUR LAST, EXTREMELY PITIFUL DUNGEON ATTEMPT?

[22:40] turntechGodhead: it wasnt a sneaky reference but yeah theyre called pillow forts

[22:41] turntechGodhead: sorry you didnt get any sleep babe. if you want you can spend the night at my place

[22:42] carcinoGeneticist: I'LL BRING MY HUSKTOP SO WE CAN PLAY WHEN I COME OVER. I'LL BE THERE IN HALF AN HOUR. WE CAN BUILD ONE OF THOSE "PILLOW FORTS" IF YOU REALLY WANT TO.

[22:43] turntechGodhead: hell yes were going to make the best pillow fort you have ever laid your eyes upon youre going to shed tears of joy by the time were done building it

[22:44] turntechGodhead: see you later i guess

[22:45] turntechGodhead: <3

[turntechGodhead is Offline]

[22:47] carcinoGeneticist: <3

[carcinoGeneticist is Offline]


	2. Mr. President's Aversion to Art

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No, seriously, he's already a ball of barely-contained rage. Dave can totally vouch for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this story is kind of taking on a life of its own. this chapter doesn't have much to do with mmorpgs, but i'm hoping the next one most definitely will. on a side note, dave has a cat named mr. president and it is the worst idea i have ever made. mr. president is based on my cat except he hopefully doesnt go around biting toes. 
> 
> by the way, does anyone know what the troll word for cat would be? i’m using meowbeast right now, but that’s only because i can’t find any word for it.

Having finally abandoned the game for a couple minutes, Dave takes a moment to get up and stretch. He lets out a content sigh when he's finally eased the tension out of his neck and shoulders.

He heads over to the fridge, hears the sound of a crash in the distance, and ignores it as he takes out a bottle of apple juice.

Gladly taking a huge swig from this wicked elixir, the liquid ambrosia blessed to him by the gods, Dave glances over to see what the noise was. He quickly realizes that his cat, Mr. President, had knocked something over.

“Mr. President, leave that shitty attempt at art-work alone. I know it’s ugly and looks like something drawn by an artistically talentless toddler, but our good friends John and Jade worked very hard so that we could put it up on our wall and display it to the world,” Dave informs the perpetrator of the crime, rearranging the framed artwork that the cat had knocked askew. 

Mr. President whines at him briefly and walks over to him. He rubs his head against Dave’s leg twice, whines even more loudly, and then walks away to go lick himself in an area devoid of human life.

Karkat chooses this time to make his entrance by the means of muffled cursing that Dave can hear through the door. Mr. President pauses in licking himself momentarily when the door opens and walks over to Karkat so he can sniff at his shoes.

“Get your fucking meowbeast away from me, Strider,” Karkat says in greeting, successfully removing his boots. He walks over to his smirking human boyfriend with a scowl firmly planted on his face. “If you don’t stop smirking at me like that, I’m going to shove my fist down your meal tunnel and make you devour the pungent hoofbeastmanure you’re always spewing.”

Mr. President makes a chirrup of greeting aimed at the irritable troll, completely ignoring his aggressive and insult-laden tirade while instead focusing his attention on sniffing at the boots and rubbing his face against them soon afterwards.

“What the fuck? Why is he doing that?” the troll asks, genuinely puzzled. He tosses his husktop bag on the couch, an ugly brown thing with scratches and stains covering it in its entirety, while letting his duffle bag drop to the floor at his feet.

“I have no clue,” Dave admits, not dropping the smirk.

“Wipe that look off your face, you insufferable fucking prick,” Karkat hisses as the tenuous control over his temper wavers, caught somewhere between exasperation, rage, and some disgustingly large degree of fondness.

“Nah,” he replies and laughs out loud when Karkat tackles him to the ground with an annoyed growl. Fixing his shades, he points out, “Dude, you don’t even have your sickles on you.”

Karkat glares at him, sitting up slightly but not giving the human enough leverage to shove the troll off of him. Though the remark had offended him, he wasn’t feeling as pissed off as he was when tackling him and begrudgingly gets up off of the tall, smirking blond. As an afterthought, he snapped, “I don’t need sickles to beat you so shut your bile-spewing ignorance tunnel already.” 

“Yeah, yeah, the human’s shutting his bile-spewing ignorance tunnel,” Dave agrees, complacent in his amusement at the troll’s obvious irritation. He flops down on the couch and reaches out for his laptop, asking, “You want to do that dungeon or not?”

“Fine. Move over, asshole,” Karkat grunts in assent, shoving him over so that he can sit down curled up around his husktop. Dave rolls his eyes, but complies.


	3. Dave's a Smug Jerk: The Trilogy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No, seriously, he's already a ball of barely-contained rage. Dave can totally vouch for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how do you title things i dont even know. but man im so happy about the recent updates in homestuck and that kickstarted my need to update this.
> 
> anyways, i totally made the decision to get down to Very Serious Business (caps for importance) but it mostly ended up with dave being a huge nerd lmao.
> 
> please tell me if i made any errors, especially with troll terms, because i haven't really gone through and double-checked anything for this chapter yet. thanks so much for all the kudos btw! im glad people like this :D

[turntechGodhead is Online]

[turntechGodhead has invited you to join his party]

[ACCEPT / DENY]

[carcinoGeneticist joined the party]

[23:13] carcinoGeneticist: SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

[23:15] turntechGodhead: i dunno is there even anything to do???

[23:17] turntechGodhead: we could do dungeons with john later if you didnt use up all your dungeon attempts

[23:18] carcinoGeneticist: I REFUSE TO DO ANOTHER DUNGEON ATTEMPT WITH JOHN, DAVE. HE KEPT DYING AND ASKING ME TO REVIVE HIM BECAUSE HE’S TERRIBLE AT EVERYTHING AND HIS GUILD’S SUCH A SHITTY CLUSTERFUCK I START TO FEEL DOWNRIGHT CALIGINOUS.

[23:20] turntechGodhead: thats my guild

[23:21] carcinoGeneticist: IT IS.

[23:24] carcinoGeneticist: THAT’S THE FUCKING POINT, DUMBASS. DID YOUR THINKPAN DRIP OUT OF YOUR POROUS CRANIAL PLATES IN THE LAST FEW SECONDS OR DID YOU NEVER HAVE ONE TO BEGIN WITH?

[23:25] carcinoGeneticist: OH WAIT, I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW THE ANSWER.

[23:25] turntechGodhead: omg

[23:26] carcinoGeneticist: YOU DIDN’T.

Dave glanced over at Karkat, biting his lip to keep from laughing at the look on his face. The troll was absolutely fuming over his own rant, eyebrows drawn down into an angry slant and mouth twisted into a scowl that reflected nothing less than pure disdain and celestial fucking fury.

[23:27] turntechGodhead: dude that was beautiful

[23:28] turntechGodhead: im screenshotting

[23:29] carcinoGeneticist: FUCK YOU.

[23:30] turntechGodhead: (;B

[23:31] carcinoGeneticist: DID YOU JUST.

[23:32] carcinoGeneticist: ARE THOSE MEANT TO BE MY HORNS?

[23:33] turntechGodhead: (:B

[23:34] carcinoGeneticist: STOP IT.

[23:35] turntechGodhead: ):B

[23:36] carcinoGeneticist: OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SUCH AN IMBECILIC, SHITFUCKING DOUCHEBAG.

[ectoBiologist is Online]

[23:37] turntechGodhead: so

[23:38] carcinoGeneticist: NO.

[23:39] turntechGodhead: (:B

Karkat turned around, shifting his husktop with him, to give Dave a withering, hate-filled glare. Dave smiled back, completely unapologetic, and leaned in to rub their noses together.

“I just love your horns, man,” Dave said, adjusting his shades from where they’d been sliding down his nose. “I love them so much I need to outrageously abuse my ability to depict them through my keyboard.”

“You’re an asshole,” Karkat replied, glare still firmly in place. He flicked him in the forehead. “Get out of my fucking face.”

Dave did as told, but still stayed too close for comfort, grinning like the smug tool that he is.

Karkat huffed, shoving him away, but turned back to his husktop with minimal shouting so Dave decided it was a win.

[23:45] carcinoGeneticist: WHAT IF WE DO DUNGEONS TOMORROW WITH ONE OF MY FRIENDS, TOO?

[23:46] turntechGodhead: yeah okay

[23:47] turntechGodhead: want to do dungeons today

[23:48] carcinoGeneticist: CAN WE HANDLE THEM?

[23:49] turntechGodhead: i can but im not sure about you

[23:50] carcinoGeneticist: HA. HA. HA. REAL FUNNY, STRIDER.

[23:51] turntechGodhead: (:B

[23:52] carcinoGeneticist: FUCK OFF.

[23:53] turntechGodhead: okay ill stop

[23:54] turntechGodhead: what dungeon do you want to do

[23:56] carcinoGeneticist: LAND OF FIRE AND DIAMONDS? 

[23:57] carcinoGeneticist: OR FOG AND MUSHROOMS MAYBE. THAT ONE’S REALLY EASY.

[23:59] turntechGodhead: dont you have to pick like a ton of mushrooms to leave

[24:01] carcinoGeneticist: OH. YEAH. I FORGOT.

[24:02] turntechGodhead: fire and diamonds it is then

[24:03] turntechGodhead: fuck wait i need to feed the president

[24:04] carcinoGeneticist: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Dave looked around for his cat, but he couldn't see him sitting on the table or the counter or anywhere else he wasn’t allowed. He frowned, checking to make sure he wasn’t sitting at his feet or something.

“He’s right here,” Karkat grumbled, looking pointedly down at the cat that was purring and leaning against his side.

“Fucking sweet,” Dave responded with far too much enthusiasm. He walked over to the kitchen with Mr. President hot on his heels. “Okay, Mr. President, c’mon, let’s get you the sickest fucking bowl of meow mix you have ever laid your eyes on.”

Karkat just gives him an unimpressed look.

Mr. President does, too.


	4. Adios, Rogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No, seriously, he's already a ball of barely-contained rage. Dave can totally vouch for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im back with more shitty titles and tavros
> 
> he wasnt even supposed to be in this originally, but here he is. uh, i swear this is getting away from me because this chapter was meant to be about them hitting up a dungeon. instead, it's a bunch of dorky children talking and karkat losing his shit.
> 
> hope it's still enjoyable??? please tell me if i missed any troll lingo or made any errors that i should fix! i wasnt sure if i needed any additional warnings, but if i need to make any, feel free to tell me to do that, too. thanks a ton!

[tentacleTherapist is Online]

[grimAuxiliatrix is Online]

[24:11] carcinoGeneticist: OKAY. ARE YOU FINALLY DONE FEEDING YOUR MEOWBEAST?

[24:11] turntechGodhead: omg stop glaring at my cat

[24:12] turntechGodhead: yeah im done

[24:13] turntechGodhead: i know we were planning on doing dungeons together but rose and kanaya are on so do you want to do a dungeon with them?

[24:13] carcinoGeneticist: YEAH, I’LL ASK KANAYA IF THEY WANT TO JOIN US. ROSE IS PROBABLY IN A PARTY WITH HER ANYWAYS. 

[24:14] turntechGodhead: ill ask john

[adiosToreador is Online]

[PRIVATE MESSAGES]

[24:14] carcinoGeneticist: HEY KANAYA

[24:15] grimAuxiliatrix: Hello Karkat I Apologize For My Transgressions As It Appears That I Will Not Be Capable Of Joining The Three Of You Today

[24:16] grimAuxiliatrix: Rose Has Taken Offense To The Unkind Words Of A Male Rogue And Is Currently Chasing Him Across The Map While Murdering Him Every Time He Respawns

[24:17] grimAuxiliatrix: I Am Unsuccessfully Attempting To Stop Her

[24:18] carcinoGeneticist: HOLY SHIT. WHAT DID THE ASSHOLE SAY TO HER?

[24:19] grimAuxiliatrix: It Was Very Vulgar And Involved Some Aspersions Made Upon Her Human Lusus

[24:21] grimAuxiliatrix: However She Only Found This Humorous And Only Took Offense When He Said I Was An “Ugly, Uptight Bitch”

[24:22] grimAuxiliatrix: He Was Beginning To Use Slurs When She Killed Him On The Spot

Dave looks up from his conversation with John at the sound of an angry snarl. Seeing Karkat sitting in his seat seething, he glances over and begins to read the conversation.

“What the fuck,” he says, flatly.

“It’s just some grubfisted wiggler trying and failing miserably at being even platonically hateful to my moirail,” Karkat grumbles, rolling his eyes when Mr. President jumps on the couch to snuggle up to his side again.

Seeing that his cat’s working to ease the tension from his boyfriend’s shoulders, Dave uneasily resumes his conversation with his friend. He wraps his arm around his shoulders, though, and Karkat leans into his side with a grateful sigh.

[24:25] carcinoGeneticist: IF HE BOTHERS YOU AGAIN, TELL ME. OUR GUILD WILL MAKE SURE HE REGRETS IT.

[24:26] grimAuxiliatrix: I Believe This Is Enough Retribution Karkat But Thank You For The Offer 

[24:28] carcinoGeneticist: NO PROBLEM. 

[PRIVATE MESSAGES]

[24:15] turntechGodhead: yo want to try doing dungeons with karkat and i

[24:16] turntechGodhead: hes asking kanaya if she wants to come too

[24:17] ectoBiologist: hi dave! i’m okay with it as long as karkat is 

[24:18] ectoBiologist: he was really mad at me last time hehe

[24:19] turntechGodhead: pff hes always mad dude

[24:20] turntechGodhead: we compromised which is why hes trying to ask kanaya

[24:21] ectoBiologist: i don’t know how you do it, dave

[24:22] turntechGodhead: do what????

[24:22] turntechGodhead: brb

[24:23] ectoBiologist: ok. i meant how you can keep karkat from being mad at you! even when he is mad, he doesn’t really stay that way

[24:25] turntechGodhead: back

[24:26] turntechGodhead: idk he likes mr. president i think he calms the dude down a lot

[24:27] turntechGodhead: i think youre just good at making him angry

[24:28] ectoBiologist: i don’t mean to :(

[24:29] turntechGodhead: ill invite you to our party btw

[24:30] ectoBiologist: thanks!

[ectoBiologist joined the party]

[PRIVATE MESSAGES]

[24:30] adiosToreador: cAN I JOIN YOUR, uHH, pARTY, kARKAT?

[24:31] carcinoGeneticist: YOU CAN'T BE ANY WORSE THAN FUCKBERT SO WHY THE FUCK NOT? COME ON OVER, TAVROS. JOIN US AS WE SIT AROUND IN A CIRCLE AND TRY IN VAIN TO IGNORE THE VOMIT-INDUCING SQUAWKING OF AN INCOMPETENT SPLEENFOWL.

[24:32] adiosToreador: oHH, uHH, oKAY, i GUESS??

[24:33] adiosToreador: tHANKS, kARKAT }:)

[24:34] carcinoGeneticist: YEAH, YEAH. SHUT THE FUCK UP WHILE I INVITE YOU, ASSHOLE.

[adiosToreador joined the party]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh, i wasn't sure where to put this, but i'm losing interest in the direction i planned on having this story going and i think i'm going to leave it unfinished. i might pick it up once i regain interest again, but i can't give any promises.


End file.
